• Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: none, that’s a hardware problem
  • When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
  • A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.The physicist said “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed”.The engineer said “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong”.The programmer said “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”
  • Q: Why don’t jokes work in octal?
    A: Because 7 10 11.
  • Q: how many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone “this behavior is by design”
  • Keyboard not found … press F1 to continue
  • Q: What is the difference between a programmer and a non-programmer ?A: The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters
  • “In theory, there ought to be no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.”
  • I’d like to make the world a better place, but they won’t give me the source code.
  • Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
  • “What do you mean, it needs comments!? If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand–why do you think we call it code???”
  • “Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.”
  • Q: How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?
    A: Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it
  • Computers are high-speed idiots, programmed by low-speed idiots.
  • In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
  • When Shakespeare asked, To be, or not to be?, he did not provide the answer. But programming can. Well the answer is FF.
    2B |~ 2B = FF
  • Programmers are machines that turn coffee into code.
  • The new (insert current fast processor, but when I heard it, the value was “cray”) is so fast, it can execute an infinite loop in only 3 seconds.
  • You can have quality software, or you can have pointer arithmetic; but you cannot have both at the same time.
  • The three most dangerous things in the world are:
    1. A programmer with a soldering iron.
    2. A hardware type with a program patch.
    3. A user with an idea.
  • “Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.”
  • Critical ERROR : Use hammer.
  • IBM: I Blame Microsoft
  • APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
  • WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
  • MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
  • “we usually hated on electrical…until we found out they could put pretty lights that flash on our robot…so now programmers are to blame for all things.” – #